By: Sergei Rybakov
In contemporary society, divorces are becoming increasingly common and often involve complex and painful processes, especially when children are involved. Family mediator and conflict coach Yuliia Kovalyova, an expert on the phenomenon of parental alienation syndrome, shares her insights on the risks of a pathological divorce scenario and offers strategies to minimize negative consequences for children.
Main Risks for a Child in a Pathological Divorce Scenario
Yuliia Kovalyova points out that in a divorce, the primary risk for a child is the loss of emotional security and stability, potentially resulting in attachment trauma. “A pathological divorce scenario implies competition or even war between parents for the child’s love and control. This can lead to the alienation of one parent,” she explains. “If a child is drawn into a loyalty conflict, it can traumatize them. It’s not the divorce itself or the fact that mom and dad no longer live together that causes the most harm. The child can eventually come to terms with that. What hurts the child most is the conflict between the parents and having to choose between them or navigate their hostility. This causes severe distress and dramatically affects their character and future.”
Impact of Parental Alienation on a Child’s Mental and Emotional Health
Parental alienation syndrome can occur when one parent intentionally turns the child against the other parent. This can happen through the vilification of the other parent, instilling fear in them, blaming them for the family’s breakup, and hindering communication. As a result, the child may refuse to maintain contact with the absent parent, which can lead to suppressed true feelings and potential psychological trauma.
However, not all instances of alienation are directly due to the ex-spouse’s manipulations. During a crisis, the child, like the parents, experiences a range of intense emotions: fear, resentment, pain, anger, guilt, and sadness. Parents should help the child express their feelings and maintain an adult stance. Unfortunately, they often see a threat to themselves and blame the ex-partner.
Signs of Emotional Manipulation of a Child by One Parent
Yuliia highlights some signs that may indicate emotional manipulation of the child:
- Scripted Phrases and Adult Arguments. The child uses phrases that are clearly beyond their age.
- Unjustified Critical Attitude. The child views all actions of one parent negatively while seeing the “primary” parent as always right.
- Devaluation of Authority. The child exhibits arrogance or apparent indifference towards the other parent.
- Intrusion into the Other Parent’s Plans. Constant changes in visitation schedules and negative comments about the other parent can also indicate manipulation.
Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting
Co-parenting is a deliberate collaboration between parents on critical issues concerning the child, involving ongoing parental communication. However, former spouses often cannot stand each other and avoid communication. Even if there are no actual barriers to visitation, tension remains in the family system. This model can be termed “parallel parenting.” It is better than attachment disruption and alienation but does not create a unified field for the child’s development. Moreover, the child still sees two wounded adults who couldn’t resolve their conflict. However, transitioning from this model to co-parenting is easier. In this sense, the alienation model is more rigid and resembles the aftermath of a great fire.
Preventing Emotional Manipulation and Negative Scenarios in Divorce
Yuliia advises parents going through a divorce to seek professional help and strive for open and honest communication. “It is crucial not to conceal problems or manipulate the child’s feelings,” she emphasizes. “If communication difficulties arise, one can use negotiation letters or mediation services, where communication is interest-based and facilitated by a neutral third party (mediator).”
Support Measures and Resources for Preventing Pathological Scenarios in Divorce
“Psychological support is necessary for every parent going through a divorce,” Yuliia believes. “Reading specialized literature, participating in support groups, and working with qualified psychologists help parents manage their emotions and better understand their child’s needs.”
Key Takeaway
In summary, Yuliia Kovalyova emphasizes the importance of timely seeking help and the need for self-work to minimize the adverse effects of divorce on the child. “Divorce is always a stress and a crisis, but with the right approach and support, it is possible to navigate this period with dignity and help your child maintain emotional health,” she concludes.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or legal advice. Readers should seek professional guidance from qualified healthcare providers, psychologists, or legal professionals for any concerns mentioned.
Published by: Martin De Juan
